Are you happy?

Are you happy? I actually had to think about that… I asked myself that. Am I even happy? I was happy when I was in a relationship… but after that, I think I have become unhappy. Sorry not think, I know. And the only reason I can confirm that is because when I ask myself, am I happy, I start to feel sad and tear up. The first time in my life, that I can recognize, that I am truly unhappy.

It’s really hard to recognize this, and to even think about it. Because thinking about it, admitting it… then, then it becomes real.  I just didn’t want it to become real, and now I really know it is.

I want to say the root cause of this problem is losing so many people in my life. Having people let you down. Letting people down. All of these things can cause a person to be unhappy. And usually, people get over it, but then there is just so much that one person can handle, and I don’t think I can handle it.

The thoughts in my head…these aggressive, crazy thoughts, they are thoughts I never in my life would have ever thought I’d be thinking. And here I am.

This. This is proof that one single moment can change your entire life. It can change you as a person, how you feel, think, act. It can ruin you.  I’m sure it can also be a positive situation you have to deal with, but for me, it is not. It has literally ruined me. I am not the same person anymore. I have so much more hate in my head, hate in my heart, hate for the people around me that are so oblivious to what’s happening right underneath their noses. I wish I knew what to do. I wish someone else could tell me what the right thing to do is, but no one can tell you. No one can tell you what to do in any situation because they are not you. They do not know how you feel, how you will react, how your people will react. All you can do is make a decision, and hope that it’s the right one. Those odds aren’t very pleasing. Those odds, those are the odds of you destroying your family. Those are the odds of you being a disappointment. Those are the odds that can and will make or break your life.  So it makes me think. If those odds are so shitty, then why bother trying?  This situation, it’s going to make me go crazy.  It already has.

I am not who I used to be. And I don’t know how to come back from that.

• written in December 2016

Shitty Thoughts

I never used to have negative thoughts about people – whether they were good, bad or indifferent – I never used to feel any which way about them.  Even if someone was the worst person in the world – I still never used to feel that they deserved the same shitty luck they wished upon others; but that happens now and I need to get out of that. Those thoughts will turn me into that shitty person and I cannot stoop down to be as low as them.

It’s funny though because as soon as I have the thought, I automatically have the opposite reaction like “No, that’s what a shitty person would think – just let it go and get over it.” So, at least that side still exists in my head…

I’m not totally shit outta luck.